July 28, 2013 - SHAME

I never read the Bible before, so I started doing so a few weeks ago. A lot of people I know will say the "stuff" you read in the Old Testament "doesn't matter anymore." Even before I started reading the Bible, I never really understood that statement. Now, that I've been reading the Bible, I REALLY don't understand how anyone could say the Old Testament doesn't matter. The Old Testament is the original work of God; His original plan for us. His chosen people are the Israelites; have and always will be. The Old Testament is all about what the Israelis experienced first hand with God, and it was TERRIFYING. I couldn't even imagine having to live in today's society with the same God as the Old Testament. I firmly believe we wouldn't be here anymore if we still had "the original" God. But, even though He was terrifying, He wasn't impossible to obey. That's what kills me... He set up a very simple list of rules (The 10 Commandments) yet we humans couldn't follow them. So, eventually, He sent Jesus to patch things up and take away these stupid hardships humans apparently have with following ten simple rules. Its just sad how God saw how pathetic we were/are and had to revamp His entire plan so we wouldn't blow everything. Even though He's terrifying, He still loves us way way way too much. That makes me ashamed.

What also makes me ashamed is that His chosen people are and always will be the Israelites. These people have been through hell and back and know every bit of God inside and out. God loves them the most and they know that God would do and does do anything to save them. Yet, even THEY can't follow the rules. I'm not an Israelite. I'm a Gentile. I've been through NOTHING compared to the Israelites, yet I can still "get away" with sinning and asking for God's forgiveness? NO. I don't buy it! I don't know if its because I'm reading the Old Testament so Gentiles didn't exist then, or if this feeling is real, but I feel worthless... I feel like when judgement day comes, since I'm merely a Gentile and obviously a sinner, God is going to wash right over me. He won't even notice me. Why would He notice me? I give Him no reason to notice me...

But, I want Him to notice me. I want Him to stop for me. I want Him to know I would take a bullet to head for Him. I want Him to know I would do anything to stand next to Him.

I'm and should be ashamed. But, my shame makes me want Him even more.

July 24, 2013 - GOD PROVIDES

I've literally gotten down to the last cent in my bank account.

No idea how I'm going to pay for my bills in the month of August. Thankfully, Obama is covering my grocery shopping [if you know what I mean *fart noise*]. I gave up on contacting the unemployment offices because I always get these answers "Your case is pending" or "Due to heavy call volume, we cannot accept your call. Please, try again later."

This morning however, I decided to pay the unemployment offices a visit. Why? They'll probably tell me nothing of value. I stand corrected because I finally got an answer: I'll be receiving benefits starting Friday or Monday. Seriously, perfect timing. But, why wouldn't it be perfect timing? The definition of God is "perfect timing." He provides for you when you need it, not when you want it.

It made me feel ashamed I ever doubted Him actually. I haven't felt stress or anxiety since I was saved but for some reason, the past few days have been HEAVY. Non-stop criticisms from friends and family, my rapidly dwindling funds winking me in the face, and an unnecessary cough that's been cramping my style. Those things made me wonder if I really am protected.

How dare I question Him.